What is attachment?
Attachment is a child’s instinct, his biological survival system, in which the child gives signals when he/she feels pleasant (like happiness, curiosity) and unpleasant emotions and states (like fear, discomfort, hunger, pain). A child needs at least one adult who is with him and who responds to his signals or needs.
In this process, a relationship develops between the child and the adult, and depending on the quality of the relationship with the adult, the child may develop a secure or various types of insecure attachment.
Secure attachment provides the child with:
- confidence in being valued as a human being: the feeling that I am worth and deserve love simply by existing, regardless of my abilities and traits, which leads to greater self-esteem.
- confidence that the world is a safe place, a sense of security, when being alone, or when exploring new toys, movements, and spaces. It promotes motor and intellectual development, self-confidence, and there is a greater chance that children will have better quality friendships and romantic relationships later in life.
- opportunities for emotion regulation: by the presence of an adult who comforts, soothes, stays with the child in distress. This is the foundation for emotional development. There is a greater chance that children will develop greater social competence and cope better with stress.
How does secure attachment develop?
Secure attachment develops through countless small, short, but meaningful interactions with the child, in which parents are present and coordinate their reactions with the child’s reactions: they laugh when the baby is happy or initiate laughter and monitor how comfortable the baby is at the moment; they soothe the baby when it is tired or when they notice that it needs comfort, feed it when it is hungry…
It is not ‘just’ reactions that are coordinated, adults tune in to the child’s emotional state: when both mom (or dad, grandma, grandpa…) and child feel happiness while playing, or experience the child’s anxiety, or calmness and satisfaction in contact and cuddling. Without emotional attuement, true connection and the development of secure attachment is absent.
It is also important that this harmonization is timely and appropriate:
- Timely refers to a quick and consistent response to the baby’s needs.
The smaller the baby, the shorter their tolerance for waiting or enduring discomfort and the more stress they cause, so it is important that there is a person who is with the baby and responds to their crying, but also to laughter and calls to play and contact.
A complete lack of response to crying is harmful, but a child can tolerate more stress with age, and the length of time it takes for an adult to respond will be determined by, in addition to age, their temperament (some babies have a higher tolerance for waiting, some less) and circumstances. If we see that a four-month-old baby is straining to turn to a toy and is having a hard time doing so, we can wait and see if they can respond on their own, and depending on the intensity of their discomfort. Nine-month-old babies will probably resent having to wait for their cereal to cool, but they can tolerate waiting much longer than younger babies. - Appropriateness refers to the extent to which we recognize its need..
A newborn feels discomfort when hungry and in pain, and cries when he feels alone and seeks contact when he is hungry. He is just learning to distinguish between these sensations, and the task of adults is to try to understand what the baby needs and respond to the current need.
Parents often feel bad because they don’t immediately understand what their baby is telling them. Some believe that they lack feelings or intuition for their baby, that they are not good parents, or that other parents know better.
The truth is, however, that most parents do not know how to recognize what their baby needs right away, and that they need to learn to understand their child. Nature did not intend for parents to know everything right away, but rather that it is in this ‘dance’ of recognizing signals that parent and child connect: mistakes and attempts in responding to the baby’s needs are necessary in order to get to know our child, to harmonize and connect with him or her. In this ‘dance’, the baby also learns how to let adults know what it needs, learns to become aware of and understand the reactions of its own body and his/her needs, and gradually develops psychological resilience.
A good enough parent
While it is important that adults’ responses are mostly consistent, it is not necessary or possible that they are always consistent. Moments when parents are not well, when they are nervous, sick, and do not respond immediately to the baby’s cries, will not damage the relationship as long as they are the exception.
The intensity of actions and feelings is also important for building a secure attachment. Its development is usually disrupted by toxic, intense reactions towards the child. Intense unpleasant states that parents feel, but are not necessarily visible through strong reactions, can also disrupt the relationship: long-term anxiety, depressive states, strong and persistent parental insecurity.
However, parenting is extremely demanding and it is common for parents to be tired, nervous, and not always able to calmly comfort their baby or be fully present when playing with them. As long as these moments are more the exception than the rule, there is no reason to worry.
There is no perfect parent, and the very pursuit of perfection can lead to anxiety, guilt, and may damage relationships. That’s why a good enough parent is a perfect parent:
- A parent who, when they make a mistake (doesn’t hear, doesn’t have the strength to respond, doesn’t respond appropriately…), tries to correct the mistake.
- A parent who, when they don’t know what their baby needs, stays with the child and doesn’t give up trying to figure it out.
- A parent who stays with their child even when it’s difficult, and when it doesn’t seem to be helping the child. Parent needs to learn that their presence is more important than immediate soothing: Some babies have colic, and some cry to release the stress accumulated during the many stimuli during the day (walks, games, various sounds…) and they just need someone to be with them.
- A parent who, when feeling nervous, angry, exhausted, or other unpleasant emotions, understands that it is part of parenting and tries to calm themselves down.
- A parent who, through an imperfect relationship, learns more and more about themselves and their child, deepening their connection with their child.
Just as there is no perfect parent, there is no single person who best meets a baby’s needs. Research shows that a child can develop attachments to multiple adults. A variety of experiences from different relationships can have a positive impact on emotional and cognitive development. And sometimes it is a teacher, a grandmother, or a coach who can show the child that the world is (still) a safe place, regardless of the bad environment in the family.
Attachment in adulthood
It is undeniable that early experiences have a great influence on later life. However, the influence of early experiences does not have to seal one’s fate, and attachment style can be gradually changed.
Attachment research shows that more important than negative childhood experiences is how we understand, interpret, and connect those experiences to new experiences and relationships as adults, and whether we learn new ways of connecting and relating to others. Our brains can change and open up to change if we allow them to, and if we allow our children to change us for the better.
Literature:
https://www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2017/3/31/what-is-a-secure-attachmentand-why-doesnt-attachment-parenting-get-you-there