Today, there is an increasing recognition of the importance of father involvement in raising children, but there is great confusion about what this should look like. It seems that we are still searching for a role model for fathers, while struggling with many beliefs that stand in the way of connecting fathers with their children.
This article lists some myths about the role of mothers and fathers. We want to discuss and debunk them, taking into account available knowledge about child development and parenting, as well as what common sense tells us about the love between dads, moms, and their babies.
There is no one way to be a dad, and we want to encourage you to think about how you want to achieve it.
Myth No. 1 – “The most important thing for a child is their mother.”
For optimal emotional development, a child needs at least one caregiver. The quality of the relationship that is built does not depend on the gender of the adult, but on his or her capacity to respond adequately, with warmth and presence, to the child’s needs, cries and discomfort, or to his/her desire to play and connect.
Most often, this role is taken on by the mother, who bonds with the child during pregnancy, who can respond to the need for feeding, physical contact and soothing through breastfeeding, and who, for a variety of reasons, both economic and cultural, spends all or most of her maternity leave with the child. Therefore, it is not surprising that in the first years, the most important person for the child is the mother.
But that doesn’t mean that only the mother can take on this role. Dads can’t breastfeed, but attachment development doesn’t depend on breastfeeding, but on how they respond to their child’s needs. Dads can’t carry a pregnancy to term, but it’s not a prerequisite for bonding with their child.
It doesn’t mean that dad isn’t important along with mom. A child is capable of forming attachments with more than one person, and a child needs to form relationships with more than one person.
Myth No. 2 – “Dads can’t connect with their children like moms can.”
Traditionally, the role of fathers was limited to connecting with their children through rough play, sports, and teaching them traditionally masculine values like courage. When children are very young, the traditionally feminine domain is more important: feeding, nurturing, and tenderness, so fathers were often on the sidelines, taking over their children only when they could run around in the park with them.
This is a model that some families can continue to follow, as long as it suits everyone. But it is important to know that it can be different.
The fact is, there are many ways we can connect with our children. Who will be at the park more and who will change diapers more often does not have to depend on gender, but on the mutual agreement and personal style of each parent. All people have the capacity for tenderness, not just mothers. Fathers can experience the same physical changes as mothers: skin-to-skin contact with newborns stimulates the secretion of oxytocin in fathers, which has been called the ‘love hormone’ because it encourages bonding with the baby.
The fact is that bonding with a child from the earliest days forms an important foundation for further upbringing. The experience of caring for and soothing infants can give fathers a greater understanding of their children in the years to come. This will also make play in the park more spontaneous and guided by the child’s wants and needs, rather than an idea of what fatherhood should look like.
The fact is that by taking on tasks around the children from the very first days, the father helps the mother, who becomes less burdened in her role. Sharing tasks, playing with what dad does and what mom does, can strengthen the partnership and give deeper meaning to parenting and family life.
It is also a fact that fathers often need more time to bond with their baby. Dads lack the direct experience of bonding during pregnancy, and they also lack positive and different father role models from their childhood. But when they are given the space, time, and understanding to navigate their new role, the fact is that they are capable of becoming dads.
Myth No. 3: “Moms are responsible (women are the more responsible gender). Dads have to be told and explained everything.”
- The differences between men and women are a subject of great interest, both among researchers and the general public. Everyone has their own theory about what is “typically female” and what is “typically male.”
Research attempts to find the eternal answer to the question, “Is the difference we notice the result of upbringing and environment, or is it innate?”
We can say that research increasingly shows that the differences we see in intellectual abilities reflect the environment, and not the natural differences between men and women. Thus, choosing a profession such as a car mechanic or programmer does not mean that women have weaker abilities, but that they have fewer opportunities to develop these skills.
It is usually believed that women are more responsible, that they will learn better or already know how to take care of children, that they know how to keep all ‘three corners of the house’. Instead of continuing to maintain this belief and not giving fathers the opportunity to take on responsibility, it would be better to ask ourselves: How do we raise boys? How much household chores do they take on? How much do we tolerate disobedience of boys, and how much of girls? In conclusion: If fathers were more involved in family responsibilities, would families be more content? And, perhaps children could learn that responsibility can have many faces.
The new role of fathers
Fortunately, the social climate is changing and fathers are playing an increasingly important and present role in the lives of their children. Today, we know how much everyone: mom, dad, child, the entire family and society as a whole benefits from dads being involved in their upbringing.
The traditional role of fathers is being rejected, but no one yet knows what the new role should be. It is something that dads and moms explore together, try out, negotiate on their way through parenthood. Perhaps it is not even necessary to have one model of fatherhood, but to support dads and their families in realizing their model.
How to support fathers?
Here are a few ideas and guidelines on how to support fathers and help everyone find their own way to be a dad, a mom, and a family with children:
To question traditional beliefs, to hold on to what is valid, and to be brave to reject what is not.
It may not be necessary to give up on some beliefs. A family that strives for partners to participate equally in everything may be unhappy in its insistence on dividing responsibilities and get lost in unrealistic expectations, while a family that has traditional divisions of roles and responsibilities may be happy if it suits everyone and no one feels neglected or overburdened.
It takes a lot of negotiation, open communication and courage to discard old patterns and create new ones, but it comes with great content and happiness for each member of the family.
Provide opportunities for fathers to connect with their children and adapt to the parenting role.
Reducing barriers to taking paternity leave and sharing parental leave equally would create opportunities for dads to experience fatherhood from the first days.
At the individual family level, time, understanding and trust are key:
- Fathers need time to be alone with their children, to do things their own way, to feel their love for their children in its fullness.
- They need trust from others – especially women – that they can actually do it.
- They need an understanding that they can be warm and caring fathers without losing their masculine identity.
Author: Barbara Perasović Cigrovski, mag. psych.