What can moms and dads expect after the baby arrives? There is still too little open public discussion about what parenthood brings to a couple and how it affects their relationship. There are many unrealistic expectations, such as the idea that a child can save a relationship, or prejudice against women who lose their sexuality once they become mothers.
The fact is that many couples experience some complications in their relationship after the arrival of a child: a crisis in the relationship, more frequent conflicts, mutual misunderstanding and distancing, and even a breakup.
An intimate relationship can be described through three dimensions: intimacy, care, and compatibility. To help new parents understand what happens, we will describe the difficulties of maintaining a quality relationship after the baby arrives through these three dimensions.
Closeness
A relationship between partners creates a sense of closeness a feeling of being in love or – when the infatuation passes – a feeling that they understand each other, that they can share good experiences and feelings, as well as bad moments, worries and feelings, enjoy joint activities, and enjoy joint moments of relaxation.
When a baby arrives, there is a lack of time and energy needed to dedicate themselves to each other. The fatigue, caring for the baby, and subordinating one’s own needs to the needs of the child can be an overwhelming experience that reduces the feeling of intimacy. Partners feel more like mom and dad, rather than a desirable partner to each other.
Sexual relations, which enable closeness (but are not the only ingredient), are often absent in the first months. There are many reasons for this, such as:
- physical recovery from childbirth, which often causes pain during sex;
- the establishment of breastfeeding, fatigue, body changes after pregnancy reduce sexual desire;
- the lack of opportunities for spontaneity and the lack of time for each other make it even more difficult to get close again.
Caring
A relationship also includes caring for each other – a desire to help each other, take on and share responsibilities, whether it’s running the household, providing care such as massage or care during illness, or just asking the other person, “How are you?”
When the baby arrives, sharing responsibilities becomes increasingly demanding, and expectations from each other become greater and often remain unspoken.
The burden of caring for a baby often falls on the mother, who feels lonely and overwhelmed. As mothers become more skilled at handling babies – changing them, putting them to sleep, comforting them – while fathers are less involved, there is a danger that they will not hand over responsibility to fathers when possible, but will continue to take care of them themselves. While this may be an easier solution in the short term, in the long term it leads to an even greater burden on mothers, and the risk that fathers will be less involved in the care and upbringing of their children.
Dads, on the other hand, miss their partners and the care they receive, and may feel lonely and neglected by their partners.
All of this leaves room for a lot of blaming, disappointment, withdrawal from each other, as well as feelings of loneliness in one’s responsibilities and worries.
Compatibility
The final determinant of a quality relationship is alignment in values - how we want to live our lives and what our priorities are. A fundamental overlap in values is the foundation for a long-term relationship, ensuring that both parties are happy with how they plan their lives and how they spend their time. For example, if one person values their career more than their family, and the other person prioritises the family, it will be harder to get much-needed support in childcare, let alone agree on things like the number of children they want and how they spend their time as a family.
Values should not be confused with interests and desires for how we spend our time. As long as core values are aligned, couples can have the freedom to choose different friends, hobbies, and interests. This does not burden the relationship, but rather provides an opportunity for each person to fulfill themselves both inside and outside of the relationship.
When a baby arrives, previous misalignments can become more pronounced.
It can be very difficult if we notice that our expectations and ideas for family life together are very different. This requires a lot of communication, discussion and understanding to see if a solution can be reached that satisfies both parties.
Often, however, difficulties arise because expectations about the importance of compatibility – especially in parenting – are too high, unrealistic, and unspoken. For example, mothers may expect dads to put their baby to sleep in the same way, or to be more adept at changing diapers, and so they do not give fathers the trust and time to learn their own way of dealing with their child. Or, for fear of injury, one partner may prevent the other from engaging in free play with the child, such as throwing things in the air.
Such a belief – that compatibility in all or most parenting practices is necessary – can lead to arguments and isolation from partners.
HOW TO NURTURE A PARTNERSHIP AFTER THE BABY’S ARRIVAL
While there is no simple or one-size-fits-all recipe that can save a couple from breaking up, hopefully some of these guidelines will help prevent things from happening, or if problems do arise, serve as a starting point for getting closer again.
Before the baby arrives:
- Talk as much as possible about your relationship, about what you want to improve. When you understand some of the undesirable patterns that lead to friction and arguments, and learn how to resolve them before the baby arrives, it will be easier to communicate even in times when parenthood drains our energy.
- Talk as much as possible about your expectations, desires, and fantasies about family life: what you want when the baby arrives, what you expect from your partner in that first period, and what you want your family life to look like in the years to come.
- Learn to talk openly about your needs and desires: express them clearly and ask for the help you need. Keeping dissatisfaction inside, and expecting others to understand, or ‘read’ our mind, is unrealistic and can lead to even greater misunderstanding and dissatisfaction.
- Talk about how you will share the care of the baby, what is the role of dad and what is the role of mom. Be brave in rejecting old traditional patterns if they don’t suit you, but be flexible when negotiating new patterns: it is difficult to share all responsibilities equally, as there is a risk of burning out and that “counting who did what” does more harm than good.
Always, and especially after the baby arrives:
- Provide understanding and support to mothers. They need a lot of support to focus on caring for their baby and feel comfortable in their new role. Ask, don’t assume, what they need, and be prepared to adjust based on the answer.
- Provide understanding and support to fathers. Dads didn’t carry a baby in their womb for nine months, and most didn’t have anyone to teach them how to care for a baby and mother in the first months of parenthood. They need understanding and allowing for differences in their relationship with their baby.
- Work on your new ‘mom-dad’ relationship. Learn what it’s like to be a parent, be prepared for differences in parenting, for mistakes on both sides. No one has to be perfect, and one parent’s style complements the other’s.
- Make an effort to maintain a partner relationship, especially about closeness: seek time for yourself, be creative in finding new ways of connecting in new circumstances. It is necessary to understand that with a child, more effort is needed in the relationship than before.
The expectation that everything will be perfect, without additional effort and without the need to dedicate yourself to your partner and the relationship, is perhaps the biggest cause of problems.
Awareness of possible problems and a willingness to overcome them together is key – and how this will be done is a matter of spontaneity, imagination and will of the individual couple. So one more recommendation for the end: Do not compare yourself with other couples or with an imagined ideal couple, but rather create your way of being a family and partners together.