When we give birth, we biologically become moms – they start calling us ‘mom’ and a little bundle reminds us daily that we are now his or her mom.
But when do we become mothers in a psychological sense? When does the new role become part of our identity? And what does the adjustment to motherhood look like?
There is no single moment that we can say marks the transition to motherhood, nor is it the same for every mom.
There is no clear beginning: long before pregnancy, our intimate thoughts about motherhood shape this transition. Society has always had an ideal image of motherhood that changes depending on social circumstances and undoubtedly influences our perception. Today, the image of a mother who is perfect in all areas prevails: from work, partnership, friendship, appearance, to motherhood in which unrealistic expectations are intertwined that one person embodies the answers to all of a child’s needs, not only for love and care, but also for play, learning and companionship. Comparing ourselves to such an image and striving to reach it can make the path of adjustment more difficult, exhausting or reducing the enjoyment of the role of mother.
There is no definitive end, a moment when we can say that we now know and understand everything. Sometimes it takes years to gain confidence and security in the role of a mother, to balance motherhood with other roles such as an employee or a partner. Sometimes this balance is lifelong because the only constant in our lives is change – new members come into the family, some leave, we move, we grow older, we change – and so do our children.
As a child grows, our understanding of motherhood changes and adapts. It’s very different to be the mother of a newborn, a first-grader, a teenager, or a young person starting a family. Each of these stages requires new skills and adaptations from us.
More important than the moment of beginning or end is to understand that adjustment to motherhood is a complex process that takes years. It is accompanied by pleasant and unpleasant emotions that are very intense, which we first encounter in the baby’s first year. We can imagine this intense beginning as the simultaneous existence of two forces: one that draws us towards the baby and makes us happy in the role of mother, and the other that pulls us towards other roles, desires, expectations and brings difficulties in adjustment.
What do these forces look like?
First force is pleasant. The physiological changes that mothers go through during pregnancy, during childbirth and after it help them bond with their baby. Already during pregnancy, changes occur that prepare us for motherhood, for example, the region of the brain that is sensitive to recognizing facial expressions increases, making us sensitive to reading the baby’s signals. After birth, hormones, the most important of which is oxytocin, help us feel happy and peaceful with our baby. That is why some mothers fall in love with their baby right at birth, some during breastfeeding, and some later through lots of touching, carrying, hugging and cuddling with their baby. The good news is that oxytocin, responsible for a good feeling of connection, is not only secreted during childbirth or breastfeeding, but also in interaction with other people, especially through skin-to-skin contact. It is our “social hormone” and the baby, with its constant need for contact, leads us on a common path of connection.
There is another force that makes it difficult to connect with our baby and pulls us in another direction because we are not just mothers and it takes a lot of time to become more skilled in all our roles together: the role of mother, but also those related to our education, work, partnership, friendship, hobbies and everything else that fulfills us in life.
Part of the adjustment is the process of grieving and saying goodbye to life before motherhood, longing for time dedicated to other important things in life, the time needed to discover new priorities and opportunities to remain ourselves.
Our entire lives and all our roles are woven from these forces: the need for connection, belonging, cooperation… and the need for independence and preserving our own integrity in all our relationships.
Expectations we often have towards ourselves and others can make it difficult for us to adjust to motherhood if we refuse or do not seek help from others, diminishing the value and importance of the role of others for us and for the baby. Part of the adjustment is also the process of accepting and getting used to many other ways that are different from our own, as well as the fact that we cannot and do not need to do everything ourselves.
It is unrealistic to plan in advance: what the birth will be like, how the baby will sleep, whether he will have colic, whether we will establish breastfeeding. Due to unfulfilled wishes and plans, we sometimes feel extra weight during the postpartum period, valuing what is and what we have through what did not come true. Focusing on the baby and lots of touch can replace all obstacles on the way to a realistic picture of motherhood for both mother and baby.
Postpartum is not an easy time. You may have never felt so tired before. Babies often wake up at night, some need a long time to get used to the rhythm of night and day, and fatigue is further increased by the physical recovery from childbirth. It takes a lot of time and patience for mom and baby to adjust to breastfeeding. But regardless of whether we breastfeed or bottle-feed the baby, the baby requires a lot of dedication and does not leave time for enough rest and as many other activities as we would like. She does everything to show us that she is now our main activity, and this is indeed the case until the second year, when the child and parents gradually begin to become independent.
Baby blues refers to mood swings, especially bouts of sadness and/or irritability that occur suddenly and without apparent cause, in the first weeks after giving birth. Although they occur due to hormonal changes, all of the aforementioned circumstances influence and can prolong the period of low mood and irritability.
Other feelings, such as fear, are also common. That little bundle of joy is now our concern and responsibility, and the responsibility for another human being can be overwhelming. It takes a lot of time, and sometimes self-work, to learn to balance care and love and gain security and confidence in the role of mother. Like prolonged low mood, overwhelming anxiety about the baby’s safety or future requires additional support from loved ones and sometimes from professionals.
Feelings of loneliness are also common. Whether we are surrounded by other people or not, no one can fully understand how we are feeling. In our society, it is common for most of the attention to be given to the baby and few people ask how the mother is. And one of the needs of mothers is to be able to honestly say and share with others how we are without feeling guilty.
Let’s remember again the two forces that make up a relationship: one is love for the baby, and the other is love for ourselves. It is important to understand that both are part of motherhood and that one does not diminish the other. No discomfort, no matter what it is and how severe, means that we are less of a good mother or that we love our baby less. It only means that we are whole beings and that we have other needs that are worth discussing and finding new ways to accommodate.
Motherhood can be a deeply fulfilling experience, but it is not just pleasant. Motherhood is an experience of the greatest love and care, laughter and sorrow.
Motherhood is an adjustment that requires time, patience, love, and compassion – for the baby and for yourself.
References:
Alexandra Sacks, Ted Talk: A new way to think about the transition to motherhood: https://www.ted.com/talks/alexandra_sacks_a_new_way_to_think_about_the_transition_to_motherhood
Matrescence: lifetime impact of motherhood on cognition and the brain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, March 2023, Vol. 27, No. 3 :https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2022.12.002
Oxytocin: The love hormone:
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/oxytocin-the-love-hormone
The role of oxytocin in social bonding, stress regulation and mental health: An update on the moderating effects of context and interindividual differences:
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0306453013002369#:~:text=Recently%20oxytocin%20has%20received%20increasing,partner%20relationship%20and%20sexual%20problems.